


The Weird Truth About Fanfiction

by airspaniel



Category: Cracked: After Hours
Genre: Alternate Universe - Apocalypse, Alternate Universe - Coffee Shops & Cafés, Alternate Universe - Hogwarts, Alternate Universe - Regency, Bodyswap, Gen, Meta, Plot What Plot/Porn Without Plot, RPF, Tropes, sort of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-20
Updated: 2015-12-20
Packaged: 2018-05-07 21:18:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,576
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5471093
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/airspaniel/pseuds/airspaniel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>The morning rush had just subsided, leaving them with a little time to clean and regroup before the lunch crowd started trickling in, needing their next caffeine fix. Katie was supervising operations and pulling shots as needed, as Michael and Daniel worked the espresso machines, and Soren was at the till. All in all, it was a completely normal morning at The Grind House.</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>Michael wrinkled his nose and frowned. “Does something seem... off to you guys?”</i>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Weird Truth About Fanfiction

**Author's Note:**

  * For [GoggledMonkey](https://archiveofourown.org/users/GoggledMonkey/gifts).



> I'm sorry, but also I'm not at all sorry. Well... maybe a little sorry about the bonus extra at the end. Just a little.
> 
> Happy Yuletide, GoggledMonkey! I hope you like it!

The morning rush had just subsided, leaving them with a little time to clean and regroup before the lunch crowd started trickling in, needing their next caffeine fix. Katie was supervising operations and pulling shots as needed, as Michael and Daniel worked the espresso machines, and Soren was at the till. All in all, it was a completely normal morning at The Grind House.

Michael wrinkled his nose and frowned. “Does something seem... off to you guys?”

“Now that you mention it...” Daniel said, trailing off. “I don't exactly remember how I got here.”

“You probably drove, same as all of us,” said Soren, not looking away from the cute redhead who was just walking into the shop.

Daniel shook his head. “Did I, though? I really don't remember how I got here today.”

“Holy shit, we're in _Inception_ ,” Michael yelled, frantically looking around in case a rogue subconscious attacked. “Somebody grab your totem!”

“I don't have a totem,” Daniel said. “That's not a thing.”

Michael shook his fist at the sky. “Why don't I have a totem? I knew I should've planned for this!”

“It's not _Inception_ ,” Katie said. “We're probably just in a fanfic.”

Michael stopped his flailing. “A what?”

Katie sighed. “A fanfic. You know, fiction written by a fan?”

Michael frowned again. “...but I'm a real person.”

“Sure, and so am I, in the real world; not that that would stop some writers.” Katie said, fixing the next customer's order. “But in the context of this webseries, _After Hours_ , we're playing fictionalized versions of ourselves. We, the real people, have scripts, we rehearse, we have cameras...”

Michael looked around. “Yeah, where are the cameras?”

“Doesn't matter now. The point is, we're playing characters the whole time. Those characters just happen to be us. Think about it...” she pointed at Soren, leaning rakishly against the pastry case and flirting with a pretty redheaded customer. “There's no way Soren is that charming and charismatic in real life, right? And there's no way Daniel is as hopelessly awkward as...”

“Ow! Motherfu-” Daniel exclaimed, waving his hand at the milk steamer.

“Language!” Katie said, mustering all her shift-managerness. Daniel rolled his eyes but didn't finish the sentence, cradling his scalded hand to his chest.

“I'm gonna go restock the napkins,” he mumbled, embarrassed. When he accidentally ran into the countertop on his way out, he apologized to it.

“Okay, bad example. But still, the us in here and the us out there in meatspace are totally different people. The only reason it doesn't feel weird is because we're the ones writing the scripts.” Katie looked down at the red cup in her hand. “Jumbo soy chai tea latte for Karen!” she said, putting the drink on the bar.

“Okay,” said Michael, unconvinced. “So what?”

“So what if we didn't write them? What if someone else did? Someone who could make us do whatever they wanted, to serve their own purposes?

“Oh my god, like the puppet dude in _Saw_?” Michael said, horrified. “Holy shit, I'm not cutting off my own leg.”

“Nobody's asking you to. It's not that kind of fanfiction.” Katie thought about it. “I don't think it is, anyway.”

“Fanfiction,” Soren repeated. “Isn't that the thing where women make hot guys from TV shows and movies have sex with each other?”

“It's not just about sex...”

Daniel returned from the back, napkins in hand, just in time to contribute. “And it's not just women. Though women are the predominant creators of fanfic and fanart, there are plenty of men who also enjoy transformative works.”

Michael laughed, “How many chapters now in that Spider-Man thing you're writing?”

“Which one?” said Daniel, then caught himself and blushed. “Shut up.”

Katie brought it back in. “It's about fantasy; about exploring aspects of story and characters in a way that canon doesn't, or can't.”

Michael scoffed. “Is that why we're working in a coffeeshop? What the hell? Whose fantasy is making minimum wage to serve coffee to assholes? Here's your mocha, miss.” he added, handing a drink to a young woman who looked distinctly offended.

“Not all fantasies are... fantastic, or unrealistic.” Katie explained. “Sometimes it's interesting to see characters in a different, more normal setting, or in a place that's familiar. It lets the reader...”

“And the writer,” Daniel interjected.

Katie acknowledged him with a head tilt. “And the writer feel closer to the story. Like maybe they could be the one making disgusting doe eyes at Soren, or flirting with Daniel every day and pining from afar because he never seems to pick up on it, the poor sap.”

“Hey...” Daniel said, offended. And then, with a hopeful voice, he added, “Do you think people really do that?”

Katie patted his cheek in an adorable, yet condescending way.

Michael waved his arms. “I'm just saying, we're usually in a diner. Like, how much more normal and boring could we get? I don't see how this low-budget Starbucks clone is a step up.”

Katie smiled. “Well, if it's something fancier you want...”

*****

The hall was bedecked in the finest garlands and floral wreaths, a setting befitting the grandest ball in _le bon ton_. It was the social event of the season, and everyone in attendance was wearing their very finest attire. Back and forth the dancers moved; an elegant procession in perfect time, first bowing then retreating, changing partners as the joyful yet refined music of a string quartet and piano filled the air.

Daniel was almost giddy. “Is this _Pride and Prejudice_? Are we doing _Pride and Prejudice_? Oh my god, I call Mr. Darcy!”

It was unclear if he meant he wanted to _play_ Mr. Darcy, or if he maybe wanted to be Elizabeth Bennet instead.

Soren smiled at his friend. “I never figured you for a romance fan.”

Daniel beamed. “Are you kidding? Tension, repression, desperate longing knowing it can never be requited because of circumstance and not because of that time in gym class when I fell off the rope and my shorts got caught on the way down and no one in my class would ever look at me again?” He cleared his throat, attempting to appear dignified. “They're okay, I guess.”

Michael pointed and laughed, as much as was possible while completing the intricate steps of the dance. “Haha, Daniel loves chick flicks.”

Daniel bowed to his new partner and then glared across the way at Michael. “First of all, that's sexist, and second... shut up.”

Soren bowed deep into Katie's cleavage, which was put on marvelous display by the corset and empire waist gown she wore. “I have to say, I am loving the clothes.”

“Hey! My eyes are up here, pal!” Katie said, as firmly as circumstances would allow.

Soren smirked and gestured towards his fitted cream trousers. “I was talking about me. Just look at my legs right now. I am rocking this.”

Katie rolled her eyes, making a delicate curtsey to her last partner and swinging to face Michael. “Anyway, sometimes fanfic will take one canon, and mash it up with another. It's called a crossover, or... I guess this is more a fusion, since it's putting characters from one canon, us, into another. In this case, some sort of Regency AU.”

“ _Pride and Prejudice_ ,” Daniel muttered under his breath. The young woman dancing opposite him raised a curious eyebrow, and he smiled awkwardly back.

“AU?” Michael asked.

Katie switched sides with him and curtseyed again. Formal dancing was kind of a dull bummer. “Alternate universe. A different reality than the one established in canon. Either because the setting is different, like now, or the circumstances are. Like...”

*****

“...guys, my dick is gone.” Soren said, in a quiet, yet panicked voice. It was somewhat higher than his usual. He gripped the sides of the diner chair, fingers digging into the vinyl until his knuckles went white.

“...like say if Soren and I switched bodies.” Katie finished. She put a hand to her now marvelously defined masculine chest and hummed, enjoying the resonance of her voice.

Daniel seemed alarmed. “What?”

“Guys.” Soren repeated. “My dick. Is gone.”

“It's not. It's right where it always is, I think.” Katie said, adjusting in her seat. “I don't know how you wear your jeans this tight. Anyway, your consciousness is now in my body, and vice versa.” She took a second to look out through ice-blue eyes, letting them run up and down Soren's body. Her body. It was not at all like looking in a mirror. “Looking good, by the way,” she said with a wink.

“How would this happen?” Michael asked, possibly more alarmed than Daniel. “WHY would this happen?”

Katie shrugged Soren's broad shoulders. “Magic, some kind of device, aliens... you pick. The how-it-happened doesn't matter, just that it happened. What's important is how the characters react to it.”

Michael shook his head. “I'd rather keep my dick to myself, thanks.”

“Come on,”Katie goaded. “Haven't you ever wondered what it's like on the other side?”

“No,” said Michael, confidently. Then, after a long moment: “Maybe.”

“Everyone does,” Daniel said, poking nervously at the eggs on his plate and not looking at anyone. “Right?”

“Now that you mention it,” Soren said, cupping his breasts in his hands and lifting them like he was presenting them for inspection. “It does have its perks.”

Katie scowled. “Hey!”

“What?” Soren asked, innocently. “It's my hot body. For now, at least.”

“I thought you said it wasn't about sex,” Michael said.

Katie put her hands on her hips. Soren's hips. “It's not ALWAYS about sex and it's not about sex right now, so hands off the goods!”

Soren smirked, a weird expression on Katie's face. “Feel free to grab a piece of your own. My own. There's plenty there worth grabbing.”

Katie rolled her eyes. “Come on, do you really want to watch... yourself feel yourself up?”

Soren smirked again, and she actually kind of liked how it looked on her face this time. “It's my fourth favorite activity,” he said.

Daniel smacked the table, knocking his fork to the floor. “That's why there are so many mirrors in your bedroom!”

“Uh,” said Soren, intelligently. 

Now Katie and Michael were the ones trying not to make eye contact with anyone, nor speculate on how Daniel had obtained that information.

Daniel blushed. “Nothing. Never mind.”

“Y'know, actually...” Katie said, running her hands up and down Soren's inner thighs. Her inner thighs. Whatever. He did have really great legs. “This is pretty nice.”

“Right?” Soren said, cupping his breasts again, a little more lingering this time. She slid her hand up a little further and...

Michael tapped out. “Okay, writer person? Can we do something else? This one's freaking me out.”

*****

“His name is Michael.” The ominous voiceover said. “His world is fire and blood.”

“Fuck yeah!” Michael yelled, brandishing two shotguns; one in each hand. Behind him, the rusted out wreckage of a car was on fire. He didn't look back at it. It was impossibly cool.

Katie dusted her hands off on the torn t-shirt she wore over a ripped up pair of denim shorts. She had a lot of belts on for no particular reason. “Ah, the old standby. The apocalypse.”

Daniel reached out and touched Soren's cheek, prodding at it curiously. “Are you _you_ again?”

Soren batted his hand away. “Yes, stop it.” He pulled the waistband of his leather pants away from his hips and looked down. “Oh, thank god,” he sighed in relief.

They stood on the edge of a bluff, looking out into the barren desert. Aside from the inexplicably burning car, there was no evidence of life other than theirs.

“So how did the world end?” Daniel asked, once they'd all sufficiently contemplated their circumstances.

Katie sighed. “Again with the how...”

“Who cares?” Michael said, holding up his shotguns. “Zombies, nuclear holocaust, Ragnarok, actual demons from hell... whatever it is, I'm gonna blast it in the face.”

Surprisingly, Katie agreed with him. “Exactly. How isn't the point, it's who these characters are when they have to survive. When all of society is torn down, humanity an endangered species, the world hostile and dead, who will be the last one standing?”

Soren looked out into the wasteland, the blue sky reflecting in his eyes, bright as the hope that mankind would never see again. He spit in the dust. “Or who will be the first to die?” he said, ominously.

“Morbid, but fair,” agreed Katie.

Daniel chimed in from where he was edging closer to the burning wreck, seemingly seeking some kind of protection. “Just FYI, if it's anything but zombies I'm done for, and even then my knowledge is largely theoretical.”

Michael raised his eyebrows, and his guns. Again. “Largely theoretical? Not _entirely_ theoretical?”

Daniel shrugged. “Well, there was that one time...”

Everyone gazed into the middle distance, remembering. “Oh yeah.”

Katie cleared her throat and picked up the earlier thread of conversation.“Apocalypse fics strip the characters down to their barest essentials, their most primal needs and wants. It can be fascinating to see what makes people tick when they can't lean on their smartphones for answers. When every knowledge base that isn't in someone's head, or on the random scraps of paper and rare books that remain in the wasteland. Total isolation. Total self-sufficience.”

Soren raised his blackened and shattered iPhone to his lips. “Siri, find food near me.” There was no response. “Siri? The signal out here is terrible...” He poked at the dead screen, as if he could coax it back to life.

“So it's people on the internet envisioning life without the internet,” Michael said.

Katie sighed. “So meta.”

Daniel furrowed his brows, thinking. “Hey, didn't someone we know write a book about this?”

“Guys,” Michael called, perched again atop the remains of the car. “If I can't shoot something in the face soon, I'm just gonna start taking potshots at you.” He lifted the shotguns to aim at his friends and...

*****

...instead was holding a wand and a quill. The wand didn't even spit out fireworks or curse anybody. “Aw man,” he said disappointed.

Katie pumped her fist, the sleeve of her black robes billowing with the motion. “All right, Hogwarts AU! Time to get our magic on.”

“This is wrong though,” Daniel frowned, gesturing at the crests they each had embroidered on their sweaters. “I mean, sure, Soren is Slytherin, obviously, and Katie, I'd buy that you're Gryffindor, but me as Ravenclaw? I don't even remember the last time I was in a library. Before now, obviously,” he added, looking around at the endless bookshelves. 

“Sure,” said Katie. “But how many characters in the Star Wars expanded universe can you name?”

Daniel scoffed. “Uh, all of them? Ask me something difficult.”

“And how many times have you watched the Harry Potter movies even though you don't like them just so you can make specific educated commentary, like which House everyone belongs in?” Soren chimed in.

Katie nodded. “And how much time do you spend making your obsessive note cards in an effort to win any and all pop culture debates?”

“I...” There was nothing Daniel could say to that. “Okay, I see your point. But why is Michael Hufflepuff? He's like, the opposite of loyal and helpful. No offense.”

Michael threw his hands up, offended. “First of all, screw you. And second, the dorms are next to the kitchen, bitches!” He drew out the last syllable for a long time, doing a weird dance of gloating. 

Nobody responded. Undeterred, he said, “Or should I say witches...” drawing it out the same way. Katie and Daniel groaned. Madame Pince shushed them all as she passed, making her rounds.

Soren shook his head. “Speaking of pop culture debates, don't we usually have one? I mean, this has been... a thing and all, but what's the point we're trying to make? That fanfiction is ridiculous and dumb?”

Katie huffed, crossing her arms. “If you're going to say that, then you've got to acknowledge that there's a whole lot of literature, film, and television that's basically fanfiction, and therefore ridiculous and dumb. _Paradise Lost_ is Bible fanfiction. The BBC's _Sherlock_ and _Elementary_ are both _Sherlock Holmes_ fanfiction. _West Side Story_ is _Romeo and Juliet_ fanfiction. _Bridget Jones's Diary_ is _Pride and Prejudice_ fanfiction...”

“Even _The Lord of the Rings_ was written in part because Tolkien wanted to reinterpret parts of _Macbeth_ ,” said Daniel, in his element now. “The whole “no man of woman born” and Birnam Wood coming to Dunsinane? That's how we got Eowyn slaying the Witch King of Angmar, and the Ents.”

Katie put her finger on her nose and pointed at him with the other hand.

“That's stupid,” Michael said. “All that stuff isn't fanfiction.”

“A derivative or transformative work made by someone other than the original creator, featuring the same or similar characters in the same or similar situations,” Katie countered. “I mean, that seems pretty clear to me.”

“Well, but _The Lord of the Rings_ is a classic, and all those shows and movies are actual things,” said Michael, unconvinced. “Not just something dumb someone put on the internet.”

“But even dumb things put on the internet can become worldwide sensations and 'actual things,' whatever that means.” Katie said adamantly. “Like, nobody remembers that _Fifty Shades of Grey_ was Twilight fanfiction before it blew up and sent dozens of people to the ER for irresponsible kinky sex-related injuries.”

Soren laughed. “If Fifty Shades is the best argument you've got, you lost.”

“That's not even the point,” Katie bristled. “The point is, a transformative work shouldn't be devalued just because of who wrote it, or where they published it, or why. Even if it's not great, technically...”

“Or objectively,” said Daniel, paging through a copy of _Fifty Shades of Grey_. “ _'His voice is warm and husky like dark melted chocolate fudge caramel... or something.'_ This got published?”

Michael yanked the book out of his hands. “Why is that even in this library?”

Daniel shrugged. “For the sake of making a joke at an easy target. I don't think whoever's writing this is very good.” _(A/N: Fuck you.)_ He looked around, confused. “Did anyone else hear that?”

“The point is,” Katie said, bringing it back. “Even if it's not great, it should be not great on its own merits. Not just because it's fanfiction. Just because people write it for love and not money doesn't make it any lesser than... whatever that is.” She flicked her wand at the discarded book and it turned into a small silver teacup with a handcuff motif around the rim. Everyone was very impressed.

“So if you write fanfic,” Michael said, comprehending. “You should try to sell it at exorbitant profits, and if you can't you're a hack. If you can, you're a real writer?”

Katie sighed, pressing her hands to her face in frustration. “That is literally the opposite of what I'm saying.”

“Is it so hard to believe that people might do a thing just because it's fun?” said Daniel, unexpectedly passionate. “Because they love something so much that there can't ever be enough of it, and so they have to make more? And that other people might love those additions just as much as they love the thing itself? Because I think that's... kind of beautiful, really.”

“Well said, Daniel,” Katie smiled. “Well said.”

Michael nodded, seemingly convinced. “And I mean, when you think about it, we're technically writing fanfic about ourselves every time we make one of these videos.”

“That's pro fic, dude,” Soren corrected.

“Mm... I don't think there's anything professional about it.” Michael leaned back against the bookshelf and leered at his friends.

“Yeah, like they're paying us big bucks to do it,” Katie laughed.

Soren coughed quietly and brushed some invisible dust off his robe.

“Soren...” said Katie, leading. “What are they paying you?”

Daniel leaned into the conversation. “Yeah, hey, I'm not making anything off of these. It's a labor of love.”

“You'll have to speak to my agent.” Soren demurred, looking at his nails as the screen went black and the credits started rolling.

“Soren!” 

Michael came in a beat too late. “Wait... you guys are getting PAID?”

[BONUS EXTRA]

“I thought you said this wasn't about sex?” Soren said, smiling against the side of Katie's throat. She gasped.

“I said it wasn't ALWAYS about sex. Right now it obviously is, so come on already!”

“Oh my god what's happening?” Daniel said, flailing a hand out to find some stability and only succeeding in grabbing Soren's bare hip. “Oh my god, why are we naked?”

“Do you really care?” asked Soren, taking Daniel's hand from his hip and threading their fingers together, using his leverage to pin the other man to the bed.

“PWP,” Katie murmured nonsensically, gently taking off Daniel's glasses and setting them aside, then pressing her lips to his temple. “just go with it.”

“Listen to the lady,” Soren chuckled, biting at Daniel's side as he moved down the bed, kneeling over his legs and...

“Oh my god,” Daniel said, horrified. Then, on a ragged exhale, not horrified at all: “oh my _god!_ ”

“That's right,” Katie purred, biting at his earlobe. “Just relax. Look how pretty he is.”

“Aw yeah,” Michael said, throwing the black satin robe off his shoulders and reaching for the lube. “I like where this is going.”


End file.
